I feel like I have to reinvent myself as a student
To be honest, it has been a weird summer and tough to get back to school.
I don’t even know if you can say that I’m back at school. I started studying again, but every day of the last two weeks has felt like my first day of school.
One of my former blog posts was about the lack of socialization, new perspectives from co-students, my worries about it and my academic misery facing online classes at home. Since live and in real-life lessons and lectures have become a part of my daily life, I feel like a walking paradox.
A spoiled one too.
I suddenly miss the online universe, where I didn’t have to interact and take a stand in relation to other people. This semester, we got a new guy in our study group, and I’m really excited about it. I think it’s going to be great with new perspectives and energy. But I really feel that it’s enough for me to get to know him and get into my new subjects.
I think the world has been at rest for so long that everything seems wrong and odd.
It seems weird to not just appreciate the reopening. Even weirder to talk openly about it. Everything I’ve been missing for the last year is suddenly a big burden on my shoulders. I know that the pressure is coming from inside my head, and no one really expects something from me. My own expectations and edginess about this reopening are building up inside me. It’s a bit embarrassing and uncomfortable to admit, but it’s nevertheless important for me to emphasize.
Especially because I know that I’m not the only one feeling like this.
It’s no secret that I had a really hard time during lockdown and couldn’t wait for everything to open again, just like everyone else. I remember thinking, in the weeks leading up to my last exam in June, that it would be the summer of my life and the day of my last exam would be a mental turning point.
For the better.
I thought some time with my nose out of books, sunshine, open bars etc. would fix everything in my head. I found myself in mid-August not feeling any different. It felt like I’d wasted my summer working or lying in bed watching the same TV shows repeatedly. And yes, I’m referring to Friends and New Girl.
Why can’t I just be happy that Denmark is almost back to normal?
Why don’t I make use of it?
And why do I still feel insufficient?
While writing, I’m thinking that all my blog posts have so far been some kind of moan about my life. I don’t know why, because I live my life trying to focus on the positive things and in some way hiding stuff that bothers and makes me sad. But it’s somehow easier to write and describe all that stuff.
And that was a big cliché. I know.
I just felt like pointing out that I’m not just a big excuse for myself or a strolling depression. There’s just a lot going on in my head.
Enough about that.
When I walk around campus watching all the people there, I try to remind myself that I’m not the only one who’s having all these thoughts. Most of us are in the same boat, and my guess is that I’m not the only one who feels like I must reinvent myself as a student.
It has really been surprising how distracting sitting in an auditorium can be.
One thing is the claustrophobic feeling with people on both sides of you after one and a half years of social distancing. That’s without all the sounds from whispers, snacks and especially the sound of 100 students’ keyboards. Last but not at all least, I really need to get used to the fact that I can’t rewind and hear certain points again.
I feel like I have to reinvent myself as a student.
I’m aware that “we’re back to normal” now and this is how it works, but my class and I learned to study at CBS online. So (for me at least) it feels like a whole new course.
And I’m so exhausted. All. The. Time.
I get that if you read my other posts, you might think: Can she decide on what she wants? Is she ever satisfied?
I don’t know.
I hope and believe that all this “new old normal” stuff just needs a little getting used to for all of us. And until then, I will do my best to be open about my thoughts and worries about my abilities to juggle school, work, biking in rush hour, social life and an almost normal everyday life again.
I think we’re meeting new obstacles now.
I think we should talk about them in the open.
Embrace that it’s not all rainbows and butterflies for everybody.
It is OK.