Independent University Newspaper
Copenhagen Business School

Popular searches:

Independent University Newspaper

Copenhagen Business School

Why can’t we just get along

young woman

I have always been terrible at loving myself. I’m insecure, I hate my body, and I believe that nothing I ever do is good enough. Sometimes I feel like if I could, I would be the one commenting “you’re ugly and fat!!!!” about my own Instagram pictures.

If being accepting and loving myself is hard enough when things are going well, imagine how much harder it gets when you have been locked in your house for 120 days (with many more to come – yes, Argentina is still in lockdown and probably will be until September or who even knows when now), and the only thing that can give you some hope is the possibility of a Gossip Girl reboot.

I have three rotations of old, loose pajama outfits to wear. I haven’t worn shoes in around a hundred days, and I’ve also been having a “make up detox”, which is just a fancy name for “I have no life and I see no one, so why bother doing anything to my face”. I keep closing my eyes as I approach mirrors.

I feel peer-pressured into turn my camera on during Zooms, as if in my end-of-year job performance review someone is going to write “we knew she wasn’t good enough for the job because she never had the camera on”, so I do it and play with the lights until you can barely see my face. I always keep the “retouch my face” feature off, to prove to myself “see, I’m not that ugly that I need a filter”.

Showers are treated as a magical cure for things that I can’t handle: when I get too sad or I hate my body too much, feeling that I will step out of the bath as a new, better person, when actually I just get back into my rotation of clothes for the week and only as a luxury, sometimes I blow dry my hair.

If being accepting and loving myself is hard enough when things are going well, imagine how much harder it gets when you have been locked in your house for 120 days

My family, who I’m staying with these days, have heard me say “I’m starting a strict diet” more than 10 times now. It’s only five minutes later that I’m eating Nutella from the jar, which I say is “a last goodbye”, but let’s face it – it never is.

I see old pictures of myself from when I was a fitness competitor and ate less bread than I do now and I feel dirty, like that was the best person I could be and I have now ruined it because my arms don’t look as thin and my face is a little bit rounder. It’s funny, because when I looked that way, I hated my body as much as I do now. Will I someday look at pictures of myself today (as if I ever take any) and think that I was looking amazing? Will this circle of self-hatred, always feeling like it’s not good enough and I have something else to fix ever end?

What if I’m 40 and still go around life complaining about how I don’t have abs? No kid wants to have a mother that doesn’t go to the beach because she’s afraid to wear a bikini in public. You see, when I was younger, I thought that as I grew up, this would all fade away, that other problems would arise and I would have accomplished more, so the desire of having a “great body” – and what is actually a great body anyway? – would fade. When I was 15, throwing tantrums because a pair of jeans didn’t fit me was okay, but I’m 23 now, I should know better.

No kid wants to have a mother that doesn’t go to the beach because she’s afraid to wear a bikini in public

I’m just trying my best. Fueled by my guilt of feeling lazy, my desire to be liked and wear a crop top, and then more guilt about those desires, or the anger that I feel when I believe that if I had had a better body, my childhood or teenage years would have been better. That maybe the memories that now haunt me sometimes at night and make me want to start a non-profit for young girls that have been bullied, would not exist, maybe leaving more room for better things.

I try, every day a little bit, to love myself. No Instagram quote that I can like and share works now, no meditation, no new way to exercise, no achievement or not even if someone else loves me – I am my own enemy.

It’s hard to write some closing to this when there’s no closure even for me. I guess everyone carries their own burdens, and this is the one that I got – and I should be thankful, because it could be even worse. There are people dying in a pandemic out there, and children starving in Africa, and so many more horrendous things, and I’m complaining about the size of my thighs – which might seem like a terrible, selfish thing to do, but I do hope that someone can read this and feel better about their own burden.

We all have some weirdness, and this is my mine.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Why can’t we just get alongby

  • News

    A week in the life of a CBS student

    Want an exclusive glimpse of how another student has organised his everyday life? CBS Wire asked a student to journal what he did for a whole week. Learn about Magnus’ busy life juggling studies, political campaign work, sports – and dating. And tips from a CBS student guidance counsellor on how to structure your day.

  • Blog

    Homesickness – the most unexpected feeling

  • News

    A trip to Italy inspired Francesca and Fannar to open their own pasta boutique

    Thanks to two CBS graduates, Copenhagen now has a pasta boutique where you can buy freshly made pasta. Francesca Tenze and Fannar Hannesson had never thought they would end up running a food business. But, a trip to food-Mecca Bologna inspired them to quit their jobs and start their own company, La Fresca, modelled on the traditional Italian concept.

  • News

    CBS Associate Professor starts YouTube channel on compliance: “We must communicate research differently”

    For Associate Professor Kalle Johannes Rose, his YouTube channel about risk-based compliance serves many purposes. It is both a personal tool to help him structure and explain the material as well as an opportunity to reach out to people working with compliance and for them to ask questions before he finishes a new book. He believes that researchers should think differently about how they communicate their research, and that CBS could do a better job of helping them.

  • Gif of the week
  • News

    Three emails revive old conflict between CBS and course company Aspiri

    Several students have received emails from the course company Aspiri asking for their Canvas password in return for free courses. The CBS legal department warns students against giving away their passwords – it compromises IT security and is illegal.

  • News

    Start-up founded in a CBS entrepreneurial class sells for millions

    What started as a business case in class - AI for solving GDPR issues - has turned into fulltime employment and a multi-million kroner deal for two former CBS students.

  • News

    Mental health issues? Where to get help

    If you have mental health issues or personal problems, CBS can help. If you have a chronic mental health problem, you can receive help through the SPS programme. For personal problems, you can team up with a mentor through the CBS mentor programme or talk to the campus pastor, who is happy to help regardless of religion.

Follow CBS students studying abroad

CBS WIRE collaborates with

Stay connected